I always knew I wanted kids, always, and when my step son came in to my life when he was just 1 it was a very surreal and new experience for me. He was a wonderful little boy and it gave me a chance to realise the fun side of ‘step-motherhood’ without all the physical pain that went with it.
Fast forward 7 years and he has just turned 8! It has gone so incredibly quick. Now we also have a 1 year old too and it is like I can never remember the pain that I went through.
Everyone always asks though, ‘So when’s the next?’
We always said we wanted a couple of children if we were able to and to have two in my life already I am so incredibly lucky.
But… do I want more?
I really don’t know.
The thought of having another bundle of joy, hearing their first sneeze, that first laugh… of course I want that. But the thought of doing it all again and having to deal with the first year of life all over again… I don’t know if I want to. I think because Evelyn’s has not been plain, easy and simple… it has definitely steered me down a path of the caution. There are still a lot of things that have happened in the last 12 months that I think I still have to mentally deal with.
I know that in the next 12 months there is no way I want another. But what about the 12 months after that? What if we decide we do and we can’t or what if we decide we really don’t and somehow we do?
I am torn right in two thinking about it. I have no idea if I really want another. Yet, most children without siblings (that I know) are a bit of a dick, to be frank. I don’t want my child growing up to be a highly strung arsehole. Yes, Evelyn has Thomas but there is a big age gap there and we only have him 2 days (every other week) and 2 evenings out of 7, so literally less than half the time.
If we don’t have another child I do feel I would be slightly depriving Evelyn of that childhood imagination and play that us people with siblings so candidly remember. And just by writing that line I know in my heart of hearts I kind of have a duty to her to offer her that.
Then again, do I really want to go through the tiredness of pregnancy whilst having a toddler and having my body re-ruined? From a selfish point of view… of course not, but you can not tell at all that a second pregnancy will be just like previous ones. It could and probably will be totally totally different.
I also come from a family of quite a few sets of twins so we do have to consider that too.
We currently have a 3 bedroom house. The rooms are very generous and are all doubles. The kids have their own rooms. If we were to have another girl then they could share with Evelyn.
If it were a boy though, the age gap would be to big to share and we would probably have to move house and we have the most wonderful home that we love.
Such a catch 22!
It is a harder choice than I ever ever imagined it would be.
I feel incredibly proviledged writing all this and knowing I have a lovely house and already a lovely family and some people would kill for that. I am incredibly grateful for what I have already.
Life has a funny way of showing you exactly what is good for you or what your need at exactly the right time.